steve killen :: residentgeek

I finally got up the nerve to self-host. Thanks, LiveJournal, for providing a creative (and sometimes just emo) outlet. Now I'm a landed netizen, as it were, but you helped get me there.

You may find me here from now on: http://pursuing.calefaction.org/

Adiós, LiveJournal.

Today is not Independence Day. Of course, according to the sticklers, neither was the 4th of July. It's good to have perspective on these things. That said, July 4th is probably just as good a day as any given the fact that the principal at which the Declaration was aimed didn't receive it anyway for at least a few more weeks.

But that's not what I'm writing about.

Independence, the one secured by our ancestors, was not just about shrugging off a monarchic rule from across the sea. It wasn't even just about mending an unjust economic situation. It was also about a more basic independence, the right to self-determination. The right to myob.

While it has taken some time for us to recognize the right as belonging to each and every individual, not just land-holders or men or whites, we have hewed to the principles the Framers laid out more often than not. There have been and continue to be regrettable lapses, but the absolute best thing is that the natural tendency to self-determine how we change as a society is encoded into the base principles.

It's easy to see vitriol on the Internet from any given political faction. It is a credit to you if you can stomach the bile spewing forth. But no matter your views, you are free to myob. And you are free because men stood against not just some king, nor even just (just!) an army that was better-trained and funded, but against those who would deny them self-determination. That we may bicker in the public square (if that is our business) without fear of government reprisal is their gift to us, because we are the government.

There are many exceptions, because two hundred years of organic representative republican democracy has its twists and turns. There was, and is, great injustice. There was, and is, us vs. them. We slaughtered the native peoples of these lands rather than check our expansionist greed. Political parties, which Washington (he of the thirty goddamned dicks) warned against, are what run government today. The struggle over basic human rights tore us in two, of which rift echoes are still felt. More recently we have tried to export our brand of democracy at the barrel of a gun, in the Middle East and elsewhere. Plants that humanity has been using for thousands of years have been made illegal, and hundreds of thousands of people who harmed no-one in partaking of these plants sit in prison. But we are still a nation of laws--laws which are written, enforced, and deliberated upon by those among us, rather than those above us. Despite assassinations, civil war, and innumerable social injustices, for all our tarnish, rust, and decay, we are still essentially continuing in the spirit of our founders.

If I were to offer any criticism of our system, it would be a simple one aimed at the culture of career politicians. Term limits. By an accident of history, it wasn't until the middle of last century that we saw the need for presidential term limits. What surprises me is that this did not extend to the legislature as well. (Though, as I read, I discover a deeper history than I had suspected. Indeed, it appears that tradition held sway until World War II.) We need to remember that our duty to our country, by serving in elected office, is performed poorly when our activities are curtailed by the need--and desire--to continue to be re-elected. We erode our status as a representative of the people, and start to step above the people.

That criticism makes me no less proud to be born here, and to have the opportunity to serve this country in every way I can. (That I have not been selected for jury duty is a deep shame of mine.) Mindful of history, ever studying to improve my understanding, I think about Independence Day and feel grateful. To those who died and those who lived, for all that they have done toward a common end--that we are still independent. No.

Free.

but then I got high.

The Saturn's mirror is fixed, so now I can do the quick mirror-blindspot look instead of craning my head a full ninety degrees and holding it to guage the view. Ow, my neck. (Back story--it got swiped by a Transformer-sized dump truck in the parking lot during lunch last week. Another inch to the right and I'd have been getting a new car. The guy came in looking for me, and he's paying for it. Nice guy.)

Transformers blew chunks. Some of the dialogue was cheeky and cute, but...ugh. Several attacks of plot, and a level of general crudity that was orders of magnitude higher than its predecessor.

I have a twitter account!

I used to write down things about the meds I'm on. The week's worth of posts that ensued were helpful during that brief period in November, but since then I have come to realize that I was approaching the matter fairly myopically. It's an aspect of my life, but is nevertheless inseparable from the rest, meds or no. So no silly med log.

I have also long since dropped my iPaq. Too clunky in the end, especially the visibly aging software with zero hope for a modern update. On top of this, my life really isn't all that hectic--I go to work, I eat lunch, I come home, I have free time. Sometimes that free time is occupied by useful things, but I think it serves me better not to be tied down within that; I'm already bound by a very time-consuming schedule that eats most of a given day (12 hours) and leaves me exhausted. So I'll keep an eye out for a better device, and not worry so much in the mean time. (Google's offering is so far most appealing.)

OK, this is the last of the truly reflective stuff. I aim to write about what is going on, what I'm actually doing, from here on out.

I set up the turntable in a hopefully permanent home today, with powered speakers and everything! Finlandia never sounded so good! We'll see whether the Sidhe chooses to exercise her veto powers.

A memory struck me yesterday as I walked by laundry to and from the laundry building. It seemed as though I were back on the kibbutz in Israel. The colors of the sky, the time of day, my physical exhaustion, the activity of doing pay laundry, and the surrounding buildings and trees all conspired to bring me back to that excellent place.

The owls here are cooler than the woodpecker at Timber Hollow.

People, I am so done with lurking.

Many new things--new apartment (Foxcroft), new laptop (Eee!), new priorities. Not quite tossing the baby out with the bathwater, but perhaps switching to a new tub. I feel once again a full measure of the ambition that has been a mere ghost these past two or so years. As Nessa put it, time to move out of the shade and into the sun.

The new apartment comes with a deck facing the woods. More than anything else, this has served as inspirative. I really have been cooped up in an oubliette. Just sitting on the deck, listening to the creatures (both sapient and primitive) has reminded me of the need to rejoin the living, breathing world in force.

This summer holds much potential. With the video game systems packed and out of easy reach, I have less opportunity to waste my time in idleness. The intertubes are themselves a distraction, but far, far less so without a full keyboard. (The Eee is a right pain in the ass to type on.) I have begun reading Cicero's letters in the Latin, with an eye toward eventually tackling De Natura Deorum. Marcus Aurelius waits in the wings, his Meditations biding their time. And the bookshelves, full and still spilling over into yet-unpacked boxes of books, carry much that I have acquired but not read. My religion shelf has been saving stern looks for me for quite some time.

No more excuses.

Current Mood: hopeful

A thronging marketplace, pitching and boisterous with commerce. The vendors shout to those in the street from their stalls, luring marks in with the promise of value. Women, men, and children call out to the merchants and one another, haggling prices and catching up on day-to-day gossip. Out of the corner of your eye a dark shape darts--no, that was the flickering shadow of a canvas flap, blocking the mid-day sun. No, it was a shape! There, the one eating an apple. The youth in black. He cuts a silhouette in the crowd with his severe posture and tightly-wrapped leathers. Yes, that's the one; look at his close-cropped hair. Did he just see...ah, forget it, he's gone.

He is Vito to his friends, the Nose by repute. He is said to be a man of contradictions: short and slight, but more imposing than a watch captain. Cold and calculating, but fiercely loyal to the right person. Ruthless--if he chooses to fight. Call on him if you're in need of recompense; the watch can't be trusted to get much right if the perp's not caught red-handed (though they do well enough at that). But he's not cheap. The only saving grace is that he's damned good. Heard tell he was on the watch's list--can't say which one. And you damned well didn't hear it from me.

Vito the Nose
Halfling Artful Dodger Rogue
Male, 3'11" and whip-thin, light olive skin, closely-cropped brown hair, nut-brown eyes
A bit on the paranoid side in extremis, but unusually careful even when relaxing. In a word, poised.
Best stats: Dexterity, Charisma, Wisdom
Potential skills: (Stealth & Thievery), Intimidate, Insight, Acrobatics, Streetwise
Party niche(s): backdoor man, asset insurance (read: wetworks), acquisitions (materiel and intel), analyst

The past year

Good: Paying debts long overdue, beginning the process of rebuilding, growing in ways I never imagined, ceasing consumption of animals, strengthening relationships with excellent people.

Bad: Putting off paying debts long overdue, allowing existing structures to crumble through entropy and neglect, stagnating through delay and distraction, continuing to eat terrible foods, weakening ties with family.

The coming year

Goals: Pay off more debt, improve attention to organization and structure, allocate more energy to maintaining habits than to starting new things, be more disciplined in diet choices, actively reach out to family despite our geographical and sometimes ideological distance.

Yeah, it's abstract. But the devil is in the details. Witness: of the 50-book list I created last year, I read precisely 1.5. (This is not to say I only read 1.5 books.) So, instead of ever-changing details, I shall fix my sight on the firmer, more abstract goals that can be met in less rigid, more creative ways than a list of specific things to do will ever be.

My hope is that with the help of my iPaq, I can manage my time a bit better. But I must never forget that in order for the iPaq and even the meds to be effective tools, I must use them well and not carelessly.

Stumbled across an article about a very silly thing in SC. The notion of denying yourself the very thing which keeps you in touch with your deity because someone else thinks that someone you voted for has views that might lead to sinful acts on the part of others?

Sure, I get the 'wrong' angle, and I'm not unsympathetic to the root of Father Newman's distress, but how fucked up is your life if you're afraid you've damned yourself to Hell (which has yet to be demonstrated to exist) for voting for a candidate whose words can be twisted to sound as though he supports the wholesale slaughter of babies? How does Father Newman know that this vote in particular is especially sinful? My answer so far: because 'sin' as a metaphysical concept is arbitrarily rationalizable to whatever values the speaker has.

Is Hell really the reason to not do evil acts to this mindset? Where is the notion of good for goodness' sake?

The Scientologists may be terrible, but at least they have standing to claim some measurable way of determining your status with respect to the Hereafter. :P

This is the first of hopefully many descriptions of the medicated life from the perspective of an ADDled post-college adult with hopes and dreams of actually doing something of import. I hope to write about the cognitive, physical, and emotional effects of chemical therapy on a (roughly) daily basis, and I am happy to share these logs. But, I'm not a fan of disseminating this information at large on the intertubes, so please post below (or send a message to the email address in my profile) if you are interested in following.

Well, I finally (somehow) lit a fire under my ass and got an appointment. Things went rapidly after that, and yesterday I saw Dr. Dena Armstrong. Nice lady, she is, but she's a generalist. So it's likely that she'll just be my legal drug dealer rather than as intensely involved as Dr. Feinberg was. I suppose it's unfair to compare the two, but I had hopes for someone more experienced with adult ADHD--I'm apparently her first. Well, I can always talk to her about my sister's estrangement to our mother :P

I filled the Rx on the way home from the appointment, and today I dosed for the first time in (thinks back) nearly two years. I'm on Adderall (generic dexamphetamine salts), 20mg spaced out over four times a day. I'm attempting to mimic the effects of Adderall XR, which is most certainly not generic. I had great success with the latter, but my pocketbook knows better this time around. All in all, I'm finally getting full use out of my insurance coverage. Hooray!

I did the numbers on how much it will cost. My appointments cost me 20% of the actual, and for generics my co-pay is $10. The first visit was $250, but that will decrease to a little more than half that now that I'm instated as a patient. So, all told the value is my insurance cost per month (~$120) plus the cost of the visit and the meds, adding up this month to $180, and likely somewhat less from now on. That's $30 more than the meds alone without insurance, and that's not factoring in the cost of being a patient without insurance (requiring a visit to get an Rx), which would be closer to $400 all told.

Here's to better living through chemicals.